OC Critiquing

[Nul]

So one of my first characters I ever created was on a completely different site and I have kept the character since then. I don't intend on posting him as a character on here as well he is an alicorn character and from an alternate if not completely different version of Equestria. However, I feel like he could use some fixing up. So I'm posting him here wanting to see your view on him and seeing if I can make him better for other roleplaying purposes.


A picture for some visual aid


Prince Eclipse Dusk was born to his parents King Archon and Queen Nox, he was the youngest of his four siblings. The Princes Alistair and Zephyr and the princesses Snow and Thorn, he was born in the Neighnton Castle in the middle of summer. His name was given to him as the sun was beginning to set into dusk and an eclipse was happening. The ponies who saw this and witnessed his birth knew one day he would be destined for greatness. As he grew and began his studies his father had his siblings teach him the ways of the royal family.



Alistair the eldest of the siblings and Dusk favorite sibling would often take him to the guards quarters to learn the art of swordplay and honor, something Dusk held onto close to his heart. Zephyr the youngest of the four taught their youngest sibling how to read the winds and taught him courage often taking him high in the sky and freefall to the ground. Snow taught him the value of life and kindness showing him how to care for the castle pets and with his help created the castle gardens opening it for all to visit. Thorn taught him humility, that even as a princess he should understand and care about the plight of even the lowest of citizens, this lesson would be taught by taking him out to the farm fields to help plow them



For many years his father ruled the kingdom with a fair hoof and fairer laws. The dukes were kept in check, the kingdom wealthy and its residents happy. However one pony was not content, the Queen herself felt that the royalty should have more control and greater wealth, these made her fall down a very dark path. One night she would poison her husband while he slept making him fall into a deathly coma, she played innocent crying and weeping over his dying body, the greatest medical minds of the kingdom could not find what was wrong with him. As the king laid dying the people began to worry, this is when the queen stepped up to take control of the kingdom. It was then she began passing laws of tyranny and fear.



The five siblings could not sit idly by as this happened, a plan was formed and enacted upon. The four eldest siblings would head to the cardinal directions to find a cure for their father. Dusk would remain behind to watch over his dying father. However as a month passed by and no word from his siblings was heard and his father's condition passing into bad to worse, and fearing his mother's increasing tyranny he rounded up those still loyal and with them spirited away his father in the night.



The trek for the prince and his loyal people would be hard as they moved into the Ebony Mountains. in search for a shaman who was said to have the greatest healing abilities in the world was to reside. As they made their trek they would later find out it was a Diamond Dog territory, surrounded and outnumbered Dusk offered them something they desired most, the Diamond Dogs were slaves that his father had work the mines up in the mountains after a war many years ago. So what Dusk offered them was simple, freedom. The Diamond Dogs convinced of the princes' offer took the small group up to the mountains and to the shaman, they were looking for. It was there that Dusk learned that his father was not savable and his siblings assassinated by his mother.



Anger welled up in the young prince who was ready to head back to the castle and confront his mother. The shaman, however, warned him away from this, her words rang in his ears and his heart "What was your siblings taught you for naught? You would throw aside your honor and your courage, your humility, and kindness for revenge?" these words hit the young prince hard. It was then he knew what he should do, not fight for revenge. Rather he would fight for his people, the oppressed whose laws made them mere servants when all use to be free. Meeting with the chieftain he offered them freedom in exchange for one thing, an army to fight for him. The chieftain convinced of his honor agreed. Then he began to gather those still loyal to the true crown of his kingdom. And so began the 100-year war.



As the war waged Dusk would bring the Griffons under his command after challenging the Griffon nomad king into a battle of courage and honor. For three days they fought and tested each other, in the end, Dusk emerged the victor. The final day of the war came soon as 100 years ago he had spirited his father away from Neighnton, and now the young prince had returned home. As the armies clashed Dusk could see the figure of his mother at the castle, vowing that he would see to it this day that his people would be free he charged into battle alongside his army. Hearing the prince has returned the ponies of the city rose up and fought against their oppressors. Dusk however through the use of the same secret passages he had escorted his father through returned to the castle, and to face his mother Empress Nox. No pony knows what happened within the castle that day but in the end, Dusk bloodied and bruised from his battle rose to the castle balcony and proclaimed his kingdom free from his mother's tyranny and that the true ruler has finally returned. True to his word he freed the Diamond Dogs and brought the griffons into his kingdom, 100 years and he fulfilled his oath and the prophecy that was whispered the day of his birth.